I am the stages of moving on.

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I am the stages that girls go through before fully moving on. Tagalugin ko na rin para pati guys makaintindi. Joke! LOLs.

Shock. Hindi mo sukat-akalain na magkakahiwalay pa kayo gayong kulang na lang ay mag-share kayo ng toothbrush at deodorant.

Denial. Feeling mo magkakabalikan pa talaga kayo. As in. You feel it in your bones.

Bargaining. Maloka-loka ka pa sa paghahabol sa kanya. Pupunta ka pa siguro sa bahay niya para magmakaawa na balikan ka niya. Magiging better girlfriend ka na talaga. Promise.

Anger. Galit ka dahil iniwan ka niya at hindi siya gumagawa ng paraan para magkabalikan kayo.

Worthlessness. Feeling mo ang pangit-pangit mo dahil iniwan ka niya.

Acceptance. Ubos na ang luha mo. Unti-unti mo nang natatanggap na wala na siya at malamang ay hindi na muling babalik pa.

Reconstruction. Mas mahal mo na ang sarili mo sa puntong ito. Nangangarap ka na ulit para sa sarili mo. You’re starting to plan a future without him.

Understanding & compassion. Hindi ko naranasan ito. Haha.

Bottom line is, cry for now, dear. You don’t have any other way around it. But you’ll be fine. Hindi naman siguro posible na forever ka na lang na malungkot hindi ba?

 

I am Jason Ivler.

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Age 5. I slapped my Yaya on the face. It’s ok. My mom already scolded her.

Age 8. I punched my classmate three times. It’s ok. My mom said it’s his fault, not mine.

Age 10. I told my teacher she’s a bitch. It’s ok. My mom said I needed to teach her a lesson too.

Age 14. I snorted my first cocaine. It’s ok. My mom said we all go though that stage in life.

Age 16. I slapped my girlfriend on the face. It’s ok. My mom said she deserved it.

Age 19. I masterminded a big brawl at school. It’s ok. My mom said she’s going to talk to the principal.

Age 23. I accidentally killed Undersecretary Nestor Ponce Jr because of my reckless driving. It’s ok. My mom will get me out of prison with her money.

Age 28. I killed Renato Ebarle Jr. with a gun. It’s ok. My mom will say “it is the choice of heaven”.

Age 28. People hate me. It’s ok. My mom said “til death do us part”.

Age 28. I am a fugitive with P1,000,000.00 over my head. It’s ok. My mom will hide me inside her basement and tell everyone she doesn’t know where I am.

Age 28. I sprayed some pesky policemen with bullets. It’s ok. Hehehe. My mom loves me no matter what I did.

Hell yeah! I have the best mom in the whole wide world! Woohoo!

 

I am a Romance Writer.

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I was born in Aklan, raised in Bacolod and am now living in Cebu with my family. I do speak three dialects fluently. Like my upbringing, I have always been a child of different worlds. I constantly felt like I never belonged to anything nor anyone, well, until I discovered writing.

I remember being a three year-old who pretended to know how to read by memorizing the dialogues in the pages of a local magazine. Thanks to my grandfather who instilled in me the value of pursuing knowledge wherever I go. I was so young then but I already understood how mere words can affect and influence people.

I was addicted to anything and everything that spelled romance and witty conversations. One time, my mother even threatened to boil my komiks collection and force me to drink the juice so I would stop reading them and start studying my lessons in school. Laugh not for that was a true story.

I did not read a lot of english romance novels but I educated myself by reading articles on paper and scouring the internet for random information. I never went anywhere without a notebook and a ballpen on hand. Ideas, for me, were like rainbows. I had to take note of them before they disappeared on me forever.

I woke up in the morning and slept at night with nothing but heroes and heroines in my mind. Writing about how they met and fell in love was pretty much the air that I breathed and I couldn’t even begin to imagine myself without it. Call me crazy.

I have always believed that a writer should have two wings in order to fly. One wing should be forged out of passion and the other one, freedom of expression. Hey, look Ma, I’m flying..

 

I am a fearless forecast.

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1. Gloria Arroyo and Andal Amputan’s crimes against humanity will be forgotten in no time.

2. Noynoy Aquino Kris Aquino will become president. God Bless us all.

3. Hayden Kho’s sex life will never be the same again.

4. Mar Roxas will twit a picture of Korina in her underwear, ala Ashton Kutcher.

5. CNN Hero of the Year Efren Peñaflorida will be the new sexy.

6. Bong Revilla will be the poster boy for  husbands who never– I repeat– never cheat on their wives.

7. Dra. Vicky Belo will be dating a thirteen year-old schoolboy.

8. Willie Revillame will finally realize that he doesn’t rule the world. Gabby Lopez does.

9. Mistress number five for Manny Pacquiao and diamond solitaire number three for Jinkee.

10. Derek Ramsay will break up with Angelica Panganiban to begin an illicit affair with me. Weeeeeeeee!

 

I am Maguindanao.

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Why did you have to drench my soil with the blood of all these innocent people?

They had bright lives ahead of them. They had families waiting for them to come home. They had hopes. They had dreams.

Is anything really worth killing dozens of defenseless men and women? Raping the women before peppering them with bullets?

Did you not come from your mother’s nurturing womb? Are you even human? Can you sleep at night knowing what you have done?

Why did you have to do it? Money? Fame? Power?

Was it really worth it? Tell me, because I cannot fathom the depth of your beastly and repugnant souls.

 

I am Krista.

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So what if he’s married?

So what if his wife cries on TV because of me?

So what if he has four kids?

So what if I ruin my daddy’s honor?

So what if they call me a home wrecker?

So what if they call me a gold digger?

So what if I become an embarrassment to my family?

So what if I’m a mistress?

So what if he’s ugly?

So what? So what? SO WHAT?

Inggit lang kayo dahil maganda ako, bata, maputi at kaakit-akit pa. Hmp!

 

I am Korina.

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How great it would have been if he proposed to me in a lush garden somewhere in Tagaytay rather than in a studio full of screaming people.

If only he reserved those tears for a more intimate venue.

How beautiful a wedding it would have been if it were held by the beach with only thirty of our favorite people in attendance.

If only I didn’t have to invite Kris Aquino and two hundred other people whom I disliked.

How utterly romantic it would have been if we were married three years before or after the presidential elections.

If only I didn’t have to be the laughing stock of women who are not nearly as successful and as intelligent as I am.

How happy would I have been if my husband didn’t want two birds in one stone by marrying me. On national TV.

Sigh. If only he loved me for me.

 

I am irony.

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Ang mga lalake hanap ng hanap ng virgins pero sila rin naman ang  umuubos ng mga virgins dito sa mundo.

 

I am an angry Filipino.

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YOU THINK?? WTF is the matter with this people? Mag-iisang buwan na matapos masalanta ang mga kababayan natin. ISANG BUWAN!! Do you mean “do not delay ang dati nang delayed”? Shet.

Anong ginagawa ng mga donations na ito sa warehouse? APAT na warehouse ang nasa loob ng compound na ‘yon! APAT na warehouse na punong-puno ng inaalikabok na relief goods! Relief goods na ayaw yata ibigay sa mga nasalanta. Halatang-halata. ~ Blog ni Ella.

Now tell me, what’s worse than seeing Gloria Arroyo burping on a one million peso dinner at Le Cirque? DSWD hoarding international relief goods of course!

I hope the blog where I got this from is just a hoax. I fervently wish that the girl who wrote these words is lying. I truly do. I truly do.

If there is a single speck of truth in what she has written, then we will be nothing but vultures who feed on rotten and smelly corpses, in the eyes of the world.

I am already embarrassed by the corrupt stain that has tainted the image of this beautiful nation. A nation supposedly crowded with heroes.  A nation where people risk and give their lives to save others.

DSWD. What the #$^& were you thinking? You people are robbing Ondoy victims of the things that could sustain them for one more night! What could be lower that that? Brrr.. this is more disturbing than Bagyong Ondoy itself!

One dying person could have lived another day if you handed him one can of that imported corned beef . One sick child would have survived if you handed her that frigging blanket. You could have saved a few more lives if you didn’t act like some kind of vermin!

Oh God! I really hope hell exists! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go vomit now.

 

I am three nightmares.

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I am what happens when the following people close their eyes and go to sleep. (evil grin)

Richard Gutierrez

1. Mishaps involving airplanes, speedboats, automobiles and other modes of transportation.

2. Anabelle Rama’s big mouth.

3. Waking up looking like  Rene Requiestas.

Hayden Kho

1. Having sex with a 65 year old woman named Vicki.

2. The words “two inches” in big bold letters . (wink)

3. Being castrated by ghosts of girlfriends past.

Kris Aquino

1. HERSELF, literally being IN the center of the earth.

2. HERSELF, having the surname “Alatiit” instead of “Aquino”.

3. HERSELF, being gagged into oblivion by Boy Abunda.

Anabelle Rama

1. Waking up with a severe case of tonsilitis.

2. Wilma Galvante clad in a seductive playboy bunny costume.

3. Waking up without lawsuits that fuel her enthusiasm to live.

Mikey Arroyo

1. Tasting the sweet and salty taste of sardines for the very first time.

2. Drowning in thirty tons of 10-peso coins.

3. Being trapped in a roof amid a sea of expensive wine at the height of a typhoon Ondoy.

Chavit Singson

1. Being chewed alive by wild animals from his personal collection.

2. Not having enough money and semen to rule the world.

3. Being horsewhipped by no less than Che Tiongson.

Joseph Estrada

1. The extinction of ignorant people who still want him to become president.

2. The extinction of stupid people who still want him to become president.

3. The extinction of gullible people. Period.

 

I am a mother.

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There are things a small baby can do to you that can only be described by cliches like “Motherhood changes you for the better.” or “Being a parent is the best thing in the world.” or “Life will never be the same again after having a child.”

I wish there were better adjectives in the english language that could define the surreal feeling of carrying a two year old boy in my arms.

Now, everything that doesn’t concern his future is a non-issue. What is happening to me? Have I become a stalker of my own son? Is this normal?

If I were still a 22 year old yuppie right now, I’d say, “Ewe!” after sipping on a warm cup of Starbucks coffee. But that was ages ago. In a world where only I and my worldly hopes and dreams exist.

Aaaargh! I’m sorry. I can’t quite explain myself and how I feel. Enough for now. First, let me find the words.

And uh by the way, happy birthday son. Thank you for making me sound like a confused vocabulary-challenged person. Mwaaah!

 

I am a lost child.

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No. I am not one of those children who desperately looks for the nearest Jollibee outlet (as per mom’s instructions) after getting lost in the mall or one who figuratively lost his way to drugs and alcohol.

Instead, I am one who thickens the plot of every pinoy telenovela in existence. There should be at least one of me in a soap opera or the world will start turning in the opposite direction, self-destruct even.

Does Santino in May bukas pa, JR & Dave in  Tayong Dalawa, Ella & Miguel in  Dahil may isang ikaw, Rosalinda in Rosalinda and of course, Narda in Darna ring a bell?

I won’t even mention other afternoon and evening telenovelas with a similar plot in the last ten years because there’s just too many of them.  Aaaah, the list will easily go up to a hunded!  (laugh)

Point is, this storyline is so overused and abused that it already sounds lame. Redundant. Contrived. Gee, anyone who watches these shows would probably come to a conclusion that we are a nation with lots of absent-minded parents. (kidding)

I agree. There is nothing more heartwarming than a parent-child reunion in the end but I mean, c’mon, how many ways can a a parent lose his/her child or vice-versa?

 

I am an unwed mother.

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MANILA, Philippines — Insisting on their religious and academic freedoms, Catholic educational institutions are seeking exemption from a provision in the new Magna Carta of Women banning the dismissal of unwed mothers from employment or school. ~ Philippine Daily Inquirer Article

Do you know how hard it is to be pregnant with child in this day and age? Without a husband? Without a college degree? Without a decent job? (sad)

Pre-natal checkups. Hospital bills. Childbirth. Post-partum stress. If you think it’s hard then think again! Especially if you’re a man! Because it’s much harder than you think! (angry)

Look at me. Huhu. I’m so ugly. I have stretch marks. Nausea. Heartburn. Hemorrhoids. I vomit. I pee 24 times a day. Now you’re telling me that I can’t go to school? Or go to work? (insecure)

I did not have this baby via asexual reproduction! If you should really do this to me, let those unwed fathers have a slice of the bitter cake too! And for crying out loud, stop giving God a bad name! (beyond hormonal)

Speaking of cake. Does anybody have a cake? With strawberries and sardines on top? Yoohoo! Cake? (hungry)

 

I am a lady president.

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Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Ang sumusunod ay sampu sa mga kahayupang gagawin ko kapag ako ay naluklok bilang presidente ng Pilipinas. Pasensiya na dahil umuulan sa labas at wala akong magawa.

1. Sa turnover ceremony ay tatawagin kong “bitch” si GMA. Hihingi ako ng paumanhin dahil iyon naman ay aksidente lamang.

2. Anumang kulang sa budget ng pagkain at tuition fee ng mga batang  maralita ay ikakaltas ko na sa sweldo ng mga pulitikong namumuno sa kanila.

3. Kakamkamin ko ang lahat ng lupain at ari-arian ng pamilyang Marcos, Estrada at Arroyo at ipamamahagi ko sa mahihirap. Maging ang lahat ng kayamanan ni Chavit Singson ay aagawin ko na rin.

4. Ililibre ko ang buong bayan sa Bobby Van’s Steakhouse. Mga ka-close ko lang ang dadalhin ko sa Le Cirque para naman makatipid.

5. Magpapa-install ako ng surveillance camera sa lahat ng sulok ng mga opisina ng gobyerno. Yes, pati sa CR. Sinuman ang mahuhuling nangongotong o gumagawa ng kababalaghan ay ipapa-bartolina ko ng isa hanggang tatlong buwan.

6. Salary deduction sa lahat ng senador, congressman, gobernador, mayor, baranggay captain, konsehal etc. na absent o natutulog sa trabaho. (contributed by my vice-president, Shattershards)

7. Hindi maaring tumakbo si Manny Pacquiao. Period. No erase.

8. Bawat P10,000 na ninakaw mula sa kaban ng bayan ay katumbas ng isang putol daliri sa kamay o paa. Hindi ko pa alam ang gagawin ko sa mga pulitikong ubos na ang lahat ng daliri sa katawan. I’ll just cross the bridge when I get there.

9. Sa huling taon ng aking termino ay tatandaan ko ang pangalan ng mga pulitikong hindi pa rin nagbabago at walang kakayahang magbago. Ipapatali ko silang lahat sa puno ng niyog at ipapakain sa mga army ants.

10. Gagawin kong National Artist si Diether Ocampo. Hindi man siya masyadong magaling umarte ay nagu-guwapuhan pa rin ko sa kanya. Ang mga magrereklamo ay gagawin ko ring National Artists.

 

I am a voter.

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Noynoy Aquino just announced his intention to run for president in the 2010 elections. And I’m already thinking of placing my family’s future in his hands.

I am not a die-hard Noynoy Aquino supporter but I believe in the concept of lesser evil. If not him, then who?

Noli De Castro? Nope. Too idle.

Manny Villar? Nope. Too eager.

Bayani Fernando? Nope. Too harsh.

Loren Lagarda? Nope. Too hormonal.

Joseph Estrada? Nope. Too stupid.

Jamby Madrigal? Nope. Too hilarious.

Gilbert Teodoro? Nope. Too irrelevant.

Jejomar Binay? Nope. Too dark. Kidding. Hehe.

Right now, I’m not looking for a great president. Just a good so-so leader to replace an evil one. So we can all take it from there.

Having said that, I will wait for 2010. Let’s see what happens.

 

I am a bear brand kid.

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Mama has always been my Jedi master when it comes to motherhood. She has a heart so kind and so pure that even master Yoda pales in comparison.

Come. I will let you in on one of our rarely published mother-daughter conversations. I’m not good with translations so please bear with me.

Me: Ma, kamahal na gid sang gatas subong.  Pwede ko na ilisan ang gatas ni Iago sang baratuhon? (Ma, infant milk is really expensive nowadays. Is it ok if I shift Iago to a cheaper formula?)

Mama: Ok man. Sige. (It’s ok. Do it.)

Me: Pero basi magmango ang bata sina. (But it’s probably going to make him a dumb baby.)

Mama: Indi a. Ok lang na. Ikaw gani Bear Brand ka man lang sang una pero alam ka man gyapon pagdako mo. (Not at all. I only fed you with Bear Brand when you were to little but you still turned out fine.)

Me: Hah? (jaw drop)

God I hope she was just kidding. LOLz.

 

I am a palengkera.

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Pwede ba Kris, tumahimik ka. Kahit ilang segundo lang, utang na loob, huwag mong ibuka iyang bibig mo. Kasi tungkol sa kinabukasan ng bayan ang pinag-uusapan dito. At hindi tungkol sa love life mo.

Hindi na sixteen years old iyang kapatid mong si Noynoy para pakialaman mo ang lahat ng kilos, pananalita at desisyon niya sa buhay. In the first place, hindi ba’t mas matanda siya sa iyo?

Bahala siya sa buhay niya, mag-asawa man siya o hindi. Tumakbo man siya o hindi. Sa ginagawa mo, nagmumukhang inutil ang kapatid mo sa harap ng madla.

If you really have to say something, do it privately.  Imbes na maging asset ka ng kapatid mo ay nagiging liability ka pa. And as far as the whole nation is concerned, wala talaga kaming pakialam sa opinyon mo. Wala. Wala. Wala.

Dahil sa tuwing nagsasalita ka, ang naririnig lang namin ay ang mga katagang “ME, ME, blah, ME, ME.” Buti na lang malaki ang respeto namin sa nanay at tatay mo. Kaya kahit nakaririndi na ay nakikinig pa rin kami sa kolehiyala english mo.

Your “I have STD.” days are over. Nawindang na sa iyo ang buong sambayanan kaya umupo ka na muna at manahimik. Hindi sa lahat ng panahon ay ikaw dapat na pinag-uusapan. Shut up. Zip it!

Your brother is the last frontier of Philippine Politics. Kapag pumalpak pa ang isang ito aba’y ewan na lang kung saan pupulutin itong bayan natin. Ang tanging magagawa mo para makatulong ay ang lunukin iyang dila mo. Salamat. Zip.

 

I am a meat eater.

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My hopes of being vegetarian will be carried over to my next life. I am a T-Rex of my species. A meat eater if you will.

I have a stevedore’s appetite. And because of that, I have been living in constant guilt and fear for my health.

Scenario #1:

Me: (while eating sisig) God will probably punish me for enjoying life too much. An early death or a terminal illness.

Hubby: (annoyed angry look) God is not like that. Why would he punish you for being happy?

Me: (pointing at him with a fork) Hmmm, though it doesn’t change anything, you still have a point.

 

I am a daughter.

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Let me go straight to the point. I am a daughter. I have a mother. And these are the basic life lessons she taught me, that Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will never be able to teach her little children.

Lesson 1

GMA: Children, you should earn your keep.

Mikee, Luli, Dato: And you do?

Lesson 2

GMA: Children, share your blessings to the poor.

Bwahahahahahahahaha!

Lesson 3

GMA: Children, do not put on your plate, more than what you can eat.

Pffft! Let the poor filipinos worry about that. This is Le Cirque baby!

Lesson 4

GMA: Children, put your brains to good use.

I did mom, err, actually. See that big mansion over there?

Lesson 5

GMA: Children, live simply and within your means. Money is not everything.

And by “simply”, you mean?

Lesson 6

GMA: Children, respect yourself so that others may respect you.

No biggie, we’re already used to being disrespected. Just as long as they don’t write what we did in history books, we’re cool.

Lesson 7

GMA: Children, avoid shady people.

Hihi. Benjamin Abalos thinks so too.

Lesson 8

GMA: Children, do not to lie, cheat or steal.

Damn you mom!

 

I am a passerby.

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Hello there, sir. You do not know me.

It’s been days since I saw you last but images of you keep on popping in my brain like an alarm clock.

You were braving the national highway with your amputated legs, under the scorching heat of the sun, in your dilapidated wheelchair.

As if adding insult to an already long list of injuries, you were carrying a box full of cigarettes and candies on your lap. Were you selling those? Seriously?

Oh, how I hate myself. And others who are luckier. We have no reason to complain because we have four limbs and more. Yet we always do.

I only went to the mall to eat steak on a sizzling hot plate that day but instead I came home with a lesson. Thank you, sir. I needed that.

 

I am a blog.

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I’m looking for a new owner. Because I’m a blog. Not a friggin’ doormat.

Aside from being the mistress of procrastination, my so-called skipper is just too lazy to toink toink her fingers on the keyboard.

Gee, she can’t even come up with crappy stories even if she wanted to. If that’s not reason enough to run for my life then I don’t know what else is.

I have a huge problem though. The smart bitch didn’t give me her password. Dang! I said all of that for nothing.

 

I am three lovers.

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They say that we are all destined to meet three lovers in our lifetime. The one who will love us most. The one whom we will love most. And the one we are going to end up with.

And if we were really really lucky, we’d meet all three of them in one person..

 

I am a million-peso dinner.

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I am the expensive crap you’ve all been whining about for the past week. How dare you judge our dear president at my expense?

I was only there to comfort her and her cronies as she mourned the passing of a great leader back home. According to her,  Cory was her role model.

The look on her face as she chewed on a bite sized escargot was heartbreaking. She was clearly devastated. I wish you were there to see it.

She is not as evil as most of you want to think. If anything, she proved to the whole world that the Philippines is not a poor country. How else could the government afford me if we were not drowning in prosperity?

Give her a break. She has been working her ass off to create a good future for all of us. She even had to cheat in the elections just to continue her noble mission. If that doesn’t make her patriot, I don’t know what else will.

So to all of you haters out there, I have three letters for you. Our president is not a pig! I repeat. She is not a P-I-G! If she was, she would have been out of Malacañang years ago. Morons.

 

I am a national hero.

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It’s August 1, 2009. A few hours more and I will finally be united with my beloved. She breathed her last at 3:15 this morning and it’s about time she rested.

It’s been 23 years since the People Power Revolution but my country is still struggling for freedom from a long standing culture of corruption, violence and deceit. Evil has merely taken a subtler form.

If I can only feel pain, I will be dipped in 8 feet  and 40 tons of it. The people whom I took a bullet for many years ago are the same ones who desecrate my memory.

It’s a good thing that I am dead now. If I were alive I will probably die of a heart attack upon seeing our nation at the mercy of these dogs whose rabies are more potent than that of the Marcoses.

I hope everything changes soon.

 

I am a blank.

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Directions: Fill in the blanks. Any answer will do.

1. Wilma Galvante to Eddie Guttierez: The best gift you can give your children is to _________ their mother.

2. Satur Ocampo to GMA: Aanhin ang palasyo kung ang nakatira ay ___________.

3. Hayden Kho: Kung maikli ang __________, matutong mamaluktot.

4. Freddie Aguilar: Ang taong hindi marunong lumingon sa pinaggalingan ay isang __________.

5. Mayor Rodrigo Duterte: If you can’t beat them, _________ them.

6. Katrina Halili: The best way to a man’s heart is through his __________.