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Monthly Archives: September 2009

I am a lost child.

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No. I am not one of those children who desperately looks for the nearest Jollibee outlet (as per mom’s instructions) after getting lost in the mall or one who figuratively lost his way to drugs and alcohol.

Instead, I am one who thickens the plot of every pinoy telenovela in existence. There should be at least one of me in a soap opera or the world will start turning in the opposite direction, self-destruct even.

Does Santino in May bukas pa, JR & Dave in  Tayong Dalawa, Ella & Miguel in  Dahil may isang ikaw, Rosalinda in Rosalinda and of course, Narda in Darna ring a bell?

I won’t even mention other afternoon and evening telenovelas with a similar plot in the last ten years because there’s just too many of them.  Aaaah, the list will easily go up to a hunded!  (laugh)

Point is, this storyline is so overused and abused that it already sounds lame. Redundant. Contrived. Gee, anyone who watches these shows would probably come to a conclusion that we are a nation with lots of absent-minded parents. (kidding)

I agree. There is nothing more heartwarming than a parent-child reunion in the end but I mean, c’mon, how many ways can a a parent lose his/her child or vice-versa?

 
20 Comments

Posted by on September 24, 2009 in People, Television

 

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I am an unwed mother.

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MANILA, Philippines — Insisting on their religious and academic freedoms, Catholic educational institutions are seeking exemption from a provision in the new Magna Carta of Women banning the dismissal of unwed mothers from employment or school. ~ Philippine Daily Inquirer Article

Do you know how hard it is to be pregnant with child in this day and age? Without a husband? Without a college degree? Without a decent job? (sad)

Pre-natal checkups. Hospital bills. Childbirth. Post-partum stress. If you think it’s hard then think again! Especially if you’re a man! Because it’s much harder than you think! (angry)

Look at me. Huhu. I’m so ugly. I have stretch marks. Nausea. Heartburn. Hemorrhoids. I vomit. I pee 24 times a day. Now you’re telling me that I can’t go to school? Or go to work? (insecure)

I did not have this baby via asexual reproduction! If you should really do this to me, let those unwed fathers have a slice of the bitter cake too! And for crying out loud, stop giving God a bad name! (beyond hormonal)

Speaking of cake. Does anybody have a cake? With strawberries and sardines on top? Yoohoo! Cake? (hungry)

 
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Posted by on September 18, 2009 in Current Events, Internet

 

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I am a lady president.

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Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Ang sumusunod ay sampu sa mga kahayupang gagawin ko kapag ako ay naluklok bilang presidente ng Pilipinas. Pasensiya na dahil umuulan sa labas at wala akong magawa.

1. Sa turnover ceremony ay tatawagin kong “bitch” si GMA. Hihingi ako ng paumanhin dahil iyon naman ay aksidente lamang.

2. Anumang kulang sa budget ng pagkain at tuition fee ng mga batang  maralita ay ikakaltas ko na sa sweldo ng mga pulitikong namumuno sa kanila.

3. Kakamkamin ko ang lahat ng lupain at ari-arian ng pamilyang Marcos, Estrada at Arroyo at ipamamahagi ko sa mahihirap. Maging ang lahat ng kayamanan ni Chavit Singson ay aagawin ko na rin.

4. Ililibre ko ang buong bayan sa Bobby Van’s Steakhouse. Mga ka-close ko lang ang dadalhin ko sa Le Cirque para naman makatipid.

5. Magpapa-install ako ng surveillance camera sa lahat ng sulok ng mga opisina ng gobyerno. Yes, pati sa CR. Sinuman ang mahuhuling nangongotong o gumagawa ng kababalaghan ay ipapa-bartolina ko ng isa hanggang tatlong buwan.

6. Salary deduction sa lahat ng senador, congressman, gobernador, mayor, baranggay captain, konsehal etc. na absent o natutulog sa trabaho. (contributed by my vice-president, Shattershards)

7. Hindi maaring tumakbo si Manny Pacquiao. Period. No erase.

8. Bawat P10,000 na ninakaw mula sa kaban ng bayan ay katumbas ng isang putol daliri sa kamay o paa. Hindi ko pa alam ang gagawin ko sa mga pulitikong ubos na ang lahat ng daliri sa katawan. I’ll just cross the bridge when I get there.

9. Sa huling taon ng aking termino ay tatandaan ko ang pangalan ng mga pulitikong hindi pa rin nagbabago at walang kakayahang magbago. Ipapatali ko silang lahat sa puno ng niyog at ipapakain sa mga army ants.

10. Gagawin kong National Artist si Diether Ocampo. Hindi man siya masyadong magaling umarte ay nagu-guwapuhan pa rin ko sa kanya. Ang mga magrereklamo ay gagawin ko ring National Artists.

 
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Posted by on September 11, 2009 in Jokes, People, Politics

 

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I am a voter.

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Noynoy Aquino just announced his intention to run for president in the 2010 elections. And I’m already thinking of placing my family’s future in his hands.

I am not a die-hard Noynoy Aquino supporter but I believe in the concept of lesser evil. If not him, then who?

Noli De Castro? Nope. Too idle.

Manny Villar? Nope. Too eager.

Bayani Fernando? Nope. Too harsh.

Loren Lagarda? Nope. Too hormonal.

Joseph Estrada? Nope. Too stupid.

Jamby Madrigal? Nope. Too hilarious.

Gilbert Teodoro? Nope. Too irrelevant.

Jejomar Binay? Nope. Too dark. Kidding. Hehe.

Right now, I’m not looking for a great president. Just a good so-so leader to replace an evil one. So we can all take it from there.

Having said that, I will wait for 2010. Let’s see what happens.

 
19 Comments

Posted by on September 9, 2009 in People

 

I am a bear brand kid.

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Mama has always been my Jedi master when it comes to motherhood. She has a heart so kind and so pure that even master Yoda pales in comparison.

Come. I will let you in on one of our rarely published mother-daughter conversations. I’m not good with translations so please bear with me.

Me: Ma, kamahal na gid sang gatas subong.  Pwede ko na ilisan ang gatas ni Iago sang baratuhon? (Ma, infant milk is really expensive nowadays. Is it ok if I shift Iago to a cheaper formula?)

Mama: Ok man. Sige. (It’s ok. Do it.)

Me: Pero basi magmango ang bata sina. (But it’s probably going to make him a dumb baby.)

Mama: Indi a. Ok lang na. Ikaw gani Bear Brand ka man lang sang una pero alam ka man gyapon pagdako mo. (Not at all. I only fed you with Bear Brand when you were to little but you still turned out fine.)

Me: Hah? (jaw drop)

God I hope she was just kidding. LOLz.

 
12 Comments

Posted by on September 9, 2009 in Personal

 

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I am a palengkera.

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Pwede ba Kris, tumahimik ka. Kahit ilang segundo lang, utang na loob, huwag mong ibuka iyang bibig mo. Kasi tungkol sa kinabukasan ng bayan ang pinag-uusapan dito. At hindi tungkol sa love life mo.

Hindi na sixteen years old iyang kapatid mong si Noynoy para pakialaman mo ang lahat ng kilos, pananalita at desisyon niya sa buhay. In the first place, hindi ba’t mas matanda siya sa iyo?

Bahala siya sa buhay niya, mag-asawa man siya o hindi. Tumakbo man siya o hindi. Sa ginagawa mo, nagmumukhang inutil ang kapatid mo sa harap ng madla.

If you really have to say something, do it privately.  Imbes na maging asset ka ng kapatid mo ay nagiging liability ka pa. And as far as the whole nation is concerned, wala talaga kaming pakialam sa opinyon mo. Wala. Wala. Wala.

Dahil sa tuwing nagsasalita ka, ang naririnig lang namin ay ang mga katagang “ME, ME, blah, ME, ME.” Buti na lang malaki ang respeto namin sa nanay at tatay mo. Kaya kahit nakaririndi na ay nakikinig pa rin kami sa kolehiyala english mo.

Your “I have STD.” days are over. Nawindang na sa iyo ang buong sambayanan kaya umupo ka na muna at manahimik. Hindi sa lahat ng panahon ay ikaw dapat na pinag-uusapan. Shut up. Zip it!

Your brother is the last frontier of Philippine Politics. Kapag pumalpak pa ang isang ito aba’y ewan na lang kung saan pupulutin itong bayan natin. Ang tanging magagawa mo para makatulong ay ang lunukin iyang dila mo. Salamat. Zip.

 
12 Comments

Posted by on September 8, 2009 in Internet, People

 

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I am a meat eater.

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My hopes of being vegetarian will be carried over to my next life. I am a T-Rex of my species. A meat eater if you will.

I have a stevedore’s appetite. And because of that, I have been living in constant guilt and fear for my health.

Scenario #1:

Me: (while eating sisig) God will probably punish me for enjoying life too much. An early death or a terminal illness.

Hubby: (annoyed angry look) God is not like that. Why would he punish you for being happy?

Me: (pointing at him with a fork) Hmmm, though it doesn’t change anything, you still have a point.

 
7 Comments

Posted by on September 8, 2009 in Lessons, People, Personal, Stories

 

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