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I am irony.

cherry

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Ang mga lalake hanap ng hanap ng virgins pero sila rin naman ang  umuubos ng mga virgins dito sa mundo.

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17 Comments

Posted by on October 30, 2009 in People

 

I am an angry Filipino.

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YOU THINK?? WTF is the matter with this people? Mag-iisang buwan na matapos masalanta ang mga kababayan natin. ISANG BUWAN!! Do you mean “do not delay ang dati nang delayed”? Shet.

Anong ginagawa ng mga donations na ito sa warehouse? APAT na warehouse ang nasa loob ng compound na ‘yon! APAT na warehouse na punong-puno ng inaalikabok na relief goods! Relief goods na ayaw yata ibigay sa mga nasalanta. Halatang-halata. ~ Blog ni Ella.

Now tell me, what’s worse than seeing Gloria Arroyo burping on a one million peso dinner at Le Cirque? DSWD hoarding international relief goods of course!

I hope the blog where I got this from is just a hoax. I fervently wish that the girl who wrote these words is lying. I truly do. I truly do.

If there is a single speck of truth in what she has written, then we will be nothing but vultures who feed on rotten and smelly corpses, in the eyes of the world.

I am already embarrassed by the corrupt stain that has tainted the image of this beautiful nation. A nation supposedly crowded with heroes.  A nation where people risk and give their lives to save others.

DSWD. What the #$^& were you thinking? You people are robbing Ondoy victims of the things that could sustain them for one more night! What could be lower that that? Brrr.. this is more disturbing than Bagyong Ondoy itself!

One dying person could have lived another day if you handed him one can of that imported corned beef . One sick child would have survived if you handed her that frigging blanket. You could have saved a few more lives if you didn’t act like some kind of vermin!

Oh God! I really hope hell exists! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go vomit now.

 
18 Comments

Posted by on October 23, 2009 in People

 

I am three nightmares.

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I am what happens when the following people close their eyes and go to sleep. (evil grin)

Richard Gutierrez

1. Mishaps involving airplanes, speedboats, automobiles and other modes of transportation.

2. Anabelle Rama’s big mouth.

3. Waking up looking like  Rene Requiestas.

Hayden Kho

1. Having sex with a 65 year old woman named Vicki.

2. The words “two inches” in big bold letters . (wink)

3. Being castrated by ghosts of girlfriends past.

Kris Aquino

1. HERSELF, literally being IN the center of the earth.

2. HERSELF, having the surname “Alatiit” instead of “Aquino”.

3. HERSELF, being gagged into oblivion by Boy Abunda.

Anabelle Rama

1. Waking up with a severe case of tonsilitis.

2. Wilma Galvante clad in a seductive playboy bunny costume.

3. Waking up without lawsuits that fuel her enthusiasm to live.

Mikey Arroyo

1. Tasting the sweet and salty taste of sardines for the very first time.

2. Drowning in thirty tons of 10-peso coins.

3. Being trapped in a roof amid a sea of expensive wine at the height of a typhoon Ondoy.

Chavit Singson

1. Being chewed alive by wild animals from his personal collection.

2. Not having enough money and semen to rule the world.

3. Being horsewhipped by no less than Che Tiongson.

Joseph Estrada

1. The extinction of ignorant people who still want him to become president.

2. The extinction of stupid people who still want him to become president.

3. The extinction of gullible people. Period.

 
20 Comments

Posted by on October 8, 2009 in Jokes, Lessons, Movies, People, Politics

 

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I am a mother.

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There are things a small baby can do to you that can only be described by cliches like “Motherhood changes you for the better.” or “Being a parent is the best thing in the world.” or “Life will never be the same again after having a child.”

I wish there were better adjectives in the english language that could define the surreal feeling of carrying a two year old boy in my arms.

Now, everything that doesn’t concern his future is a non-issue. What is happening to me? Have I become a stalker of my own son? Is this normal?

If I were still a 22 year old yuppie right now, I’d say, “Ewe!” after sipping on a warm cup of Starbucks coffee. But that was ages ago. In a world where only I and my worldly hopes and dreams exist.

Aaaargh! I’m sorry. I can’t quite explain myself and how I feel. Enough for now. First, let me find the words.

And uh by the way, happy birthday son. Thank you for making me sound like a confused vocabulary-challenged person. Mwaaah!

 
14 Comments

Posted by on October 6, 2009 in Blogging, Jokes, Movies

 

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I am a lost child.

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No. I am not one of those children who desperately looks for the nearest Jollibee outlet (as per mom’s instructions) after getting lost in the mall or one who figuratively lost his way to drugs and alcohol.

Instead, I am one who thickens the plot of every pinoy telenovela in existence. There should be at least one of me in a soap opera or the world will start turning in the opposite direction, self-destruct even.

Does Santino in May bukas pa, JR & Dave in  Tayong Dalawa, Ella & Miguel in  Dahil may isang ikaw, Rosalinda in Rosalinda and of course, Narda in Darna ring a bell?

I won’t even mention other afternoon and evening telenovelas with a similar plot in the last ten years because there’s just too many of them.  Aaaah, the list will easily go up to a hunded!  (laugh)

Point is, this storyline is so overused and abused that it already sounds lame. Redundant. Contrived. Gee, anyone who watches these shows would probably come to a conclusion that we are a nation with lots of absent-minded parents. (kidding)

I agree. There is nothing more heartwarming than a parent-child reunion in the end but I mean, c’mon, how many ways can a a parent lose his/her child or vice-versa?

 
20 Comments

Posted by on September 24, 2009 in People, Television

 

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I am an unwed mother.

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MANILA, Philippines — Insisting on their religious and academic freedoms, Catholic educational institutions are seeking exemption from a provision in the new Magna Carta of Women banning the dismissal of unwed mothers from employment or school. ~ Philippine Daily Inquirer Article

Do you know how hard it is to be pregnant with child in this day and age? Without a husband? Without a college degree? Without a decent job? (sad)

Pre-natal checkups. Hospital bills. Childbirth. Post-partum stress. If you think it’s hard then think again! Especially if you’re a man! Because it’s much harder than you think! (angry)

Look at me. Huhu. I’m so ugly. I have stretch marks. Nausea. Heartburn. Hemorrhoids. I vomit. I pee 24 times a day. Now you’re telling me that I can’t go to school? Or go to work? (insecure)

I did not have this baby via asexual reproduction! If you should really do this to me, let those unwed fathers have a slice of the bitter cake too! And for crying out loud, stop giving God a bad name! (beyond hormonal)

Speaking of cake. Does anybody have a cake? With strawberries and sardines on top? Yoohoo! Cake? (hungry)

 
35 Comments

Posted by on September 18, 2009 in Current Events, Internet

 

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I am a lady president.

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Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Ang sumusunod ay sampu sa mga kahayupang gagawin ko kapag ako ay naluklok bilang presidente ng Pilipinas. Pasensiya na dahil umuulan sa labas at wala akong magawa.

1. Sa turnover ceremony ay tatawagin kong “bitch” si GMA. Hihingi ako ng paumanhin dahil iyon naman ay aksidente lamang.

2. Anumang kulang sa budget ng pagkain at tuition fee ng mga batang  maralita ay ikakaltas ko na sa sweldo ng mga pulitikong namumuno sa kanila.

3. Kakamkamin ko ang lahat ng lupain at ari-arian ng pamilyang Marcos, Estrada at Arroyo at ipamamahagi ko sa mahihirap. Maging ang lahat ng kayamanan ni Chavit Singson ay aagawin ko na rin.

4. Ililibre ko ang buong bayan sa Bobby Van’s Steakhouse. Mga ka-close ko lang ang dadalhin ko sa Le Cirque para naman makatipid.

5. Magpapa-install ako ng surveillance camera sa lahat ng sulok ng mga opisina ng gobyerno. Yes, pati sa CR. Sinuman ang mahuhuling nangongotong o gumagawa ng kababalaghan ay ipapa-bartolina ko ng isa hanggang tatlong buwan.

6. Salary deduction sa lahat ng senador, congressman, gobernador, mayor, baranggay captain, konsehal etc. na absent o natutulog sa trabaho. (contributed by my vice-president, Shattershards)

7. Hindi maaring tumakbo si Manny Pacquiao. Period. No erase.

8. Bawat P10,000 na ninakaw mula sa kaban ng bayan ay katumbas ng isang putol daliri sa kamay o paa. Hindi ko pa alam ang gagawin ko sa mga pulitikong ubos na ang lahat ng daliri sa katawan. I’ll just cross the bridge when I get there.

9. Sa huling taon ng aking termino ay tatandaan ko ang pangalan ng mga pulitikong hindi pa rin nagbabago at walang kakayahang magbago. Ipapatali ko silang lahat sa puno ng niyog at ipapakain sa mga army ants.

10. Gagawin kong National Artist si Diether Ocampo. Hindi man siya masyadong magaling umarte ay nagu-guwapuhan pa rin ko sa kanya. Ang mga magrereklamo ay gagawin ko ring National Artists.

 
30 Comments

Posted by on September 11, 2009 in Jokes, People, Politics

 

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